Dear Ama Riter,
I’ve totally been writing and writing and writing, and I think I’m ready for publication!!111!1!! Like, srsly, I’m thinking of skipping the source, because, hello? 15%? To an agent?
Who wants to write a query? A synopsis?
WTF are they anyway??? Like anyone ever has any luck with that crap.
And? Which em-effer likes REJECTION???
Why go through all that when I can SELF-PUBLISH?? OH YES, CNN told me it was the next big wave!! That looks like some fer srs quality shit right there.
We all know print media is dead, especially given the current economic conditions, so WHY TRY, AMA??? There is no point. IT IS ARCHAIC.
I’m going to be doing ALOT of research in the next few weeks for reasons NOT to get involved in the romantic dream-boat fantasy of agents/ trad publication. I’m going to send you link upon link upon link about Publish America and DellArte Press and why they’re the wave of the future and why I think I fer srs have a shot at making the BIG TIME without going the traditional route.
Big Time, Ama. I’m talking Stephenie Meyer Big Time. Capital Bee, capital Tee. JK Rowling Big Time. Nora Roberts Big Time. STEPHEN MOTHER FUCKING KING BIG TIME. THAT’S RIGHT, BISHES!
So I will send you my links, Ama, and my emails and my rants, AND I WILL NOT PRETTIFY IT FOR YOU NO MORE. Because you are wrong. YOU ARE WRONG in thinking that traditional publishing houses are where it’s at!!!
The next #1 NYT Bestseller,
Dearest Mr. deLucienal,
I am tres impressed by the surety of your convictions regarding something as “archaic” as publishing! If only everyone had the same enthusiasm to devote to their own medium of artistic expression, despite the double negatives!
However. One of the fundamental rules of the publishing industry is this: Money flows toward the author. This is also often referred to as Yog’s Law. Google is a wonderful tool, so look it up.
Agents ensure your work gets sold to a house that will advocate your work (not to mention protect your interests and your butt from a legal perspective!). This does not mean you must “sell out.” Further, this is not to say that authors don’t contribute monetarily to ensure the success of their work. After all, publishers only contribute so much toward marketing the novels in their stables. They do, however, contribute toward editing, copy editing, cover art, garnering cover blurbs, etc, etc. And very often, these houses afford the author advances on their work. But this is after you have an agent and after you’ve gained a contract with a house! Sure, there may be blood, tears, and sweat involved with getting to that point, but how valuable is the opportunity time-cost to you, my darling?
Which is more than one can say about vanity and self-pub models. Several self-publishing companies only ensure that their own bottom line is getting fed. They ask you to pay fees to gain editing services, to publish, to “market.” Then, on top of that–on top of selling you a slick Glenngary Glenn Ross type of deal–you’re in charge of ensuring you break even. These “publishers” could care less, from what I’ve seen and heard.
There are, however, some lesser evils to consider, like lulu.com (no affiliation). They’re a POD, and don’t require you to purchase your own work. This route in “publishing” is often worth it for the hobbyist, or someone who simply wants to see their words professionally bound.
But, Mr. deLucianal, you proclaimed you want to become a bestseller. I highly doubt that this is the route that will earn you the millions and the accolades. People have broken into traditional publishing this way (the few names upon request) and then become bestsellers, but they are the exception and never, ever the rule.
I’m sorry, my darling, but thems the facts.
So, in closing, I’d like to request that you please stop sending me your missives, the unsolicited and mysteriously stained manuscripts, the half-eaten chocolates. The garter belts, the several dozen beheaded roses, the envelopes coated with the fine white powder.
Hereupon, I am forced to resort to emoticons. Imagine, if you will, that it has fangs, and a nasty snarl upon its features.
>:[ . . .
It is also drooling a poisonous bane, Mr. deLucienal. A neurotoxin that works swiftly and indiscriminately, leaving its victim comatose and yet dying an excruciating death.
If that does not work, I may soon be forced to obtain a restraining order.
PS. When you are referring to a number of things, the correct way to spell it is “a lot.” “Alot” makes you look illiterate.
PPS. Spelling “seriously” and “for” as, respectively, “srsly” and “fer” has the same effect upon readers as “alot.”