Wherein we attempt to uncouple a cart from the crazy-train.

Ama,

I saw where you told someone you hated her. In fact, all of the letters answered here pretty much show your contempt for the wanna-be writer. Why don’t you cuddle them close and pet their heads and tell them how special they are? I mean, hello, they’re writing. That in and of itself is AMAZING.

You’re crushing hopes and dreams, Ms. Riter. I hope you’re proud of yourself, because you should be ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed!

Most assuredly not yours,

Ben D. Over

****

Dear Mr. Over,

I’ll admit, I’m a bit flummoxed as to how to address your accusation. Perhaps I’ve been unfair to writers?

I assure you, it was not my intention to make anything personal. I feel I’ve been careful to address any one-on-one critique by concentrating on the writing itself. I’ve attempted to give my honest opinion on the state of their art, especially in light of the critee’s questions.

However, it isn’t infrequent that one sees questions regarding the nature of critique, so I hope my responses are construed in the constructive manner in which they’re offered. It took a considerable amount of time for myself to understand critiques are not meant as a personal affront on the author — it’s easy enough to do so, as many consider their writing to be very personal indeed.

So long as ad hominems aren’t offered as part of the crit, the critee should be reminded to offer thanks in in the spirit the crit was given. Meaning, if free, say, “Thank you. I shall take your words under consideration.” And thus move on. If one is paying for a crit, then sign the fucking check and move on.

It’s the crit dissemination that should be the hard part. Critiquing the writing is not the same as critiquing the person. Any writer worth their salt can divorce self from art, sweetheart.

Write on, dear Mr. Over, and never allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

Kind regards,

Ama Riter

In which we discover a most special and unique snowflake.

Dear Ama Riter,

Every word I write is SERIOUS BUSINESS. I will never, ever write something that could ever EVER be considered a COMPLETE waste of time. That would be POINTLESS. And, it’s not like I’d learn anything from it anyway. I’ve heard that there’s only a finite number of phrases and words and clichés and idioms and tropes that I can use and/or type… and once that well is empty I will never be able to write again. *sad face*

FREX: Committing to write 200k in a year? POINTLESS. Committing to that stupid thing no one who’s as cool as me does called NaNo? POINTLESS. I mean, for serious, I’ve never heard of any REAL writers finishing something without getting paid for it, or writing anything for the lulz!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. Hello? You should be improving your craft by carefully choosing every single word, even if it takes you decades upon decades to finish a single 100k novel. In writing, PRACTICE DOES NOT MAKE PERFECT!!

People who do this? People who write short stories or character sketches and maybe even respond to blog comments or… BLOG?

Since you are one of these people… you are clearly an idiot. And have too much free time on your hands. I would never want to read anything of yours, especially a fiction novel, because I have no doubt it would be dry and stifled and AWFUL. And BAD! So so so so bad!!!

Again, writing is SERIOUS BUSINESS. Good luck with getting published, anonymous internet person!!! You’re gonna need it!11!1!!

Hoping you rot in hell,

Seymour Butts

****

Dearest Mr. Butts,

If your thesis–as painstakingly outlined above–is to believed, I’m not entirely sure why you bothered spending your precious time to write me.

Two things to keep in mind, however:

• Caps lock is completely unnecessary, and often considered rude.
• Never refer to a work of fiction or a novel as a “fiction novel.” Just don’t.

Kind regards,

Ama

In which we discover Golden Word Syndrome.

Dear Ama Riter,

After suffering in a cold, dank garret for many moons while assiduously pecking out painful letter upon painful letter of the Great American Novel on my MacBook Air, I finally typed the two greatest words in the English language: THE END. Whereupon panic and palpitations beset me, for I decided it was time to gather consensus about my work.

For it was time I began seeking beta readers.

Thus, I joined an extremely popular online writing forum, and attracted the attentions of A Real Published Writer through baseless flattery and relentless pestering, through rep point after rep point. After weeks of such skulduggery, the Real Published Writer caved to my incessant hounding and reluctantly agreed to peruse my first two chapters despite obligations to her current WiPs.

I was ecstatic! Birds sang! Wild beefalo fed from my hands! The very Earth rejoiced with me!

Then I received RPW’s comments.

): ): ): D:<

My beta hates my writing. HATESSSSSSSSS MY PRESCIOUSSSSSS.

Why? Why does she feel the need to attack me personally??!! I didn’t do no nothin to her! MY WORDS ARE GOLDEN. It’s not my fault that I use every vampire/werewolf/mother-daughter/[insert trope here] cliche ever trodden to death! I’ve never even read in the genre, so my ideas are new! Fresh! Unspoilt, even!

I refuse to thank her. I refuse to acknowledge her. She just doesn’t ‘get’ my work!!!

It’s not my fault she’s dumb!!! It’s not my fault I don’t know how to spell check!! It’s not my fault I don’t know what a comma splice is, that I don’t know how to tag dialogue, that I don’t know basic punctuation!!!! It’s just NOT!! MY WRITING IS PERFECT. RPW doesn’t know her ass from a teakettle! She’s only getting a trilogy published with a major house. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!

Why?!! Why does she wound my soul so? Does it make her happy? Does she sleep at night?

Please advise.

Best,

Lipschitz Dipfarger, esq.

PS. Can I use song lyrics in my novel? KTHXBAI

****

Dearest Mr. Dipfarger,

Have you ever considered that perhaps RPW would not be remiss in telling you to shove off? At the very least, send RPW a polite email thanking her for her time and effort. Tell her that you shall take her comments under consideration, then wish her the very best of luck in her future endeavors.

Then I suggest you study her crit. It may sting, but you need to learn how to look objectively at your own work. If you can’t handle critique now, just imagine how you’d take the snark leveled at Dan Brown and the like.

Furthermore, please consider seeking psychological help.

Kind regards,

Ama

PS. And no. No, you cannot use song lyrics in your twee little work of emo.